lrn2doctor

I need to learn how to be more proactive with this blog. Thanks for still following :)

2nd year is pretty much more of 1st year but with higher expectations, more confusion, and more stress. But at least the material we learn is way more interesting. Prior to medical school, I always believed taking physics in college was a waste of time and not necessary to be a physician. I thought it was mainly a weeder course (in other words, a class meant to weed out those that weren’t serious about trying to become a doctor). For some, this applies to Organic Chemistry or Biochemistry, but I never really liked math-heavy subjects so Physics was my Achilles heel. Anyway, we had just finished studying the cardiovascular system and it was here where I realized physics concepts really do come into play - things like fluid dynamics, pressure, vectors, etc. It’s nothing as crazy as undergrad physics, but the concepts do come into play in med school. 

Now I don’t know if it’s the integration of physics and general chemistry into my medicine classes that’s making me study harder this year, but I’ve realized I’ve become more of a recluse than last year. I don’t really party as much as I used to or go to med school parties/social events. I think I’m really over the whole party scene. Is it maturity? Not sure. Another new change I’ve noticed is that I actually have a DESIRE to study. Before it was a chore to cram all this information into my brain everyday and retain every single detail. Now it’s all pretty interesting. I think it’s because we’re finally learning the medicine rather than just the physiology. It’s cool.

Lastly, I dunno how some of my friends do it, but how can anyone maintain a relationship or date? There’s so much investment (emotional, physical, mental), I can’t even think of the added stress to deal with. Now, I’m not sure if my entries present me as a regularly stressed person, but I’m really not. It’s usually hard to stress me out. However, this 2nd year causes me more stressful events than I usually experience. 

Anyway, back to studying. Happy halloween!

3 more months and my first year of med school will be over.

I thought I would have ended up writing more in here, but I’ve been super busy since my last entry.

Now that gross anatomy is way behind me, I’ve already gone over most of the general sciences (histology, molecular biology, biochemistry, microbiology, pathology, etc) and have started getting into the systems of the body (blood and lymphatics and neurology). I’m happy to say that gross anatomy was the worst of it all. I’m even happier that I was able to pass the class (and be above the average as well).

Now everything is just lecture upon lecture. No more daily quizzes. We have tests every other week. Actually, for the past 4 weeks, we’ve been having a test EVERY week. I’m kinda drained at this point and just looking forward to spring break which starts next friday. However, nothing thus far has been as much of a struggle as anatomy. Sure, I still need to study for several hours a day (or even longer if I feel too lazy some days), but I don’t need to constantly be present in class anymore and can actually appreciate being outside the confines of school walls. I’m also grateful I can chose to be lazy some days and spend other days just catching up.

Anyway, yesterday was the first time I was able to work in an actual clinic since med school started. For once, I was seeing real people with REAL medical problems instead of hired actors pretending they’re patients. This was because my school allows students (1st and 2nd years) to work in a free clinic near school and function at the level of 3rd/4th years, who are on rotations. I was able to practice my history/physical-taking skills on actual sick people. One of the patients that came in had problems with coordination and tremors. Since we’re studying neurology at the moment, it was a nice coincidence I was able to meet this patient and hear his story out. The whole experience reminded me why I’m doing this - to help people. I realized that there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. It’s just difficult to remember that when I’m stuck in lecture after lecture everyday getting more confused about how the body works.

Gross anatomy is almost over, and I’m stoked. Here are some gems throughout my time here:

Lab partner: Where’s the scrotum?

Me: Dude… (We have a female cadaver)

Lab partner 2: I never thought I’d be saying this, but…now’s the time to find the clitoris.

[a couple minutes pass by trying to fervently search for the glans]

Lab partner 1: IT’S TRUE, IT DOESN’T EXIST

Female professor: Table 2 has a penile implant. However, be careful. Today, Dr. X got me wet as he was pumping the scrotum.

Although I won’t miss the sound of bones cracking, ligaments tearing apart, professors coming by to pimp us, getting formaldehyde stench on our clothes, and having cadaver fluids splash everywhere, gross anatomy lab was pretty fun sometimes.

So far I’ve survived a month and some change of being in med school. The first week seemed to drag but now it feels like it’s going kinda fast. I’ve already lost track of the days, passed my first test (both written and practical), and now I’m getting ready for my second test next monday. 

By now, everyone in my class has pretty much found a core group they “click” with. I’ve found a good group of people I get along with, and yet I’m still meeting people everyday. It’s interesting to note that med schools really do a bang-up job of creating a diverse class. We’re all pretty darn smart. However, we’re not all geeky and virtuous (at least in the non-professional setting). I tried to be a little more conservative than usual when I first started school, and I realized that many of my classmates were also more reserved back then than how I know them now. Possibly they too were trying to uphold some magical standard of how a model medical student should be? Thankfully, and frighteningly, that’s not the case. By now, everyone is comfortable TRULY being themselves. We have your jocks, your misfits, your loud partiers, your girly-girls, your tomboys, and everything else in-between. It really is an adult version of high school. The only difference is that we generally have a better idea of knowing when it is appropriate to act like mature, responsible adults.

However, putting myself as an individual from the outside looking-in, I would find it kinda disturbing how nonchalant and blasé we can be most of the time around dead bodies. In anatomy lab, cadavers are treated like any other incredibly smelly object. We all tend to forget they were once people. Instead, we are often preoccupied with finding certain anatomical structures, getting frustrated with dissecting, and being fearful of getting constantly orally quizzed by random teachers and TAs and not looking like a complete idiot. As such, I’d imagine it would be pretty shocking for anyone else to see medical students casually cutting, prodding, digging, and shooting the shit over a butchered cadaver.

It’s a really interesting culture.

In week 2, we started a class/lab where we learn the basic principles of how to be a doctor. I don’t mean the systematic approach of diagnosing and steps required for a given surgical procedure. I mean the basic foundations of integration into the world of medicine. This included: how to talk to the patient, taking a history, performing a physical, learning how to use the tools seen in clinical offices, and all the other miscellaneous issues we’ll be dealing with.

Well this week we had our first “patient encounter” and were taught how to establish communication with our patients. One would think this would be simple enough. However, this lasted roughly 4 hours. By “patient encounter,” I mean we talked with actors and actresses posing as patients. Well our class was divided into groups of 8 people and each group was placed into a simulated clinical office where each person would have a chance to talk to at least 2 different “patients.” Patients would rotate and change for each of us medical students. For our first day, I  thought that we would be given relatively compliant “patients” to help get us comfortable in developing our communication styles.  In my group, I was in queue as the 6th person to get to talk to the patient. For every person before me, the patients were all relatively normal. Some acted nervous, some were dismissive, and some were super friendly.

I got neither of those. My first “patient” ran into the office crying hysterically telling me her husband ran off with another man and that she had no one else to turn to. As I sat there pondering whether this was still one of the actresses scheduled to rotate in, I played along. I told her to take her time “crying” and let her finish her story. By the time she was done relaying her story, time was called. She stopped crying, gave me an evaluation that said “good job,” and she shuffled on out. As I sat there confused, I realized that a big part of my exercise was to find out our patient’s chief complaint and to set some kind of treatment plan for him or her (We weren’t graded on the kind of treatment given since obviously we barely started the semester, but we were supposed to say something reasonable). As I realized I accomplished nothing, it was time for the next patient. My second patient was no better. The second actress to come in didn’t even speak english. I spent most of the time trying to communicate “hello” and feigning interest in the flower shop she was working in. Again, by the time she finished her story, time was called. However, I did make out that she came in for throat pain…or neck pain? You know, she might have just pointed to her neck to indicate difficulty in communication. I still don’t know.

It’s already week 3 now. I have my first gross anatomy test this Friday, and I’m still confused with…pretty much everything. I also get to meet more standardized patients tomorrow. I wonder who I’ll get.

So my first week of medical school consisted of roughly 35some hours of lecture and lab, 2 anatomy quizzes, and little sleep. In-between the intense anatomy classes, my school managed to fit in lectures on the psychology of medical students. Similar to grieving, we learned there are 5 stages involved during the transition from normal everyday person to insane medical student. 

1. Absence of Conscious Awareness

2. Dissonance

3. Immersion

4. Internationalization

5. Integration

Basically this:

By day 2 of last week, I actually contemplated quitting this whole thing (stage 2). It didn’t help that my class was essentially full of introverted kids (we all took a personality test) that mainly wanted to only associate with either themselves or the first 1-2 people they clicked with upon entering med school. Additionally, we had our first “pimp” session during a lecture on professionalism. I found out “pimping” in the medical education context refers to an event where an instructor puts you on the spot in front of everyone and throws out questions you’re supposed to know the answer to. The dean came in and instead of discussing what it meant to be a professional, he sent us some articles to read in 5 minutes on professionalism. Afterwards, he called on almost everyone from the roster to stand up and answer his questions without looking like a fool. I was one of those called on and…borderline survived it.  This place was way more hardcore and intense than I could’ve imagined (and trust me, I’ve had a whole year off of school to imagine how hard and crazy med school must be). You hit the ground running from day 1 and you really only have yourself to get you through it all.

However, what helped me was writing down the reasons why I was here in the first place. I tacked this up on my bulletin board, got back to studying, and before I knew it, I survived the week. I got through my first gross anatomy lab, which was bizarre to say the least. It is definitely NOT like gross anatomy portrayed on TV. Pretty silly that I thought it was. Instead, the cadavers look like something outta a Hollywood costume trailer. They were gray and brownish and smelled like animal fat. I didn’t have any hesitation cutting into and examining the body, though I did have reservations initially touching it (even with gloves on) mainly since it was super gooey. I guess I can thank Hollywood for desensitizing me to all this. After that day, I lost my appetite. Everything I touched reminded me of formaldehyde and it disgusted me. By the next day, however, I started to get hungry after the 1st hour of anatomy lab and had no problems with my appetite. Same for everyone in my anatomy group. It’s crazy how fast you get used to everything and how fast everyone adapts. Speaking of which, people in my anatomy group look like actors and actresses I recognize from movies and TV. I swear to you, one guy looks like Seth Rogen and another girl looks/sounds/acts exactly like Ellen Page. I guess this contributed to me thinking I was dissecting a Hollywood-produced cadaver.

Anyway, week 2 is about to start, and it feels like I’ve finally moved onto Stage 3. People are more trusting of one another and it seems everyone is learning to build those bonds that will get us through this alive.

What a great weekend. I was officially “coated” by physician faculty at my school with a brand new white clinical jacket. I didn’t expect much going into it, especially after getting a spoonful of reality during orientation. In fact, ceremonies usually bore me, and I like the idea of just getting it over with. However, this time was different. My parents and grandpa got to see me officially become a medical student. The world is my oyster and is mine to devour. I don’t think I’ve seen my family happier. It’s was a great surprise. I felt an indescribable high once I got to read the Hippocratic Oath. It was legit.

I celebrated the rest of the day getting a new macbook/ipod combo with my student loans, getting to eat lobster at an awesome chinese place, and spending what felt like an extremely short time with my family. I spent the next day Sunday doing absolutely nothing, and it was magnificent. I remember ending orientation last week and driving down to the big city near home feeling a sense of relief being away from it all even if I just went for a doctor’s appointment. It made me nostalgic of home and all the good things in my life. 

I think it was a nice break. Now I get to finally start school tomorrow and actually have legit classes rather than just “intro to intro of…” lectures. It’s finally time to hit the ground running and only propelling forward.

Finished with orientation and just hit up my first official “med school party.” I’m still a bit buzzed from the booze so that means it’s a perfect time to blog rather than catch up on some sleep.

Orientation was tiring. The day was spent on introducing us to faculty, staff, and school logistics. We also had our I.D. AND graduation pictures taken. So there was a lot going on and less time to really realize that we are all officially in medical school. By the time I got my official white coat, I raced home and immediately hit the bed for a much needed nap.

By the time I woke up, I realized there was a party thrown by the upperclassmen at some house. It was fun - meeting new people and having the influx of names go in one ear and out the other. I’m sure there will be a lot of time for everyone to get acquainted. The thing that disappointed me was the cynicism and jaded attitudes by the upperclassmen. It’s not to say I didn’t really expect it, but hearing it from the horse’s mouth took away some of the fantastical element of what it’s like to go to medical school and get to be a physician. Meeting many new people and making new friends, I realized how diverse our class is in age and experience.

Although not represented of the entire class, I realized I have classmates just in it for the money and power. Some are just taking it in stride and seem like they don’t care. Others are already voicing their complaints and talking shit. It could all be a facade for all I know. At the core of it, I realize it’s just human nature. But growing up, I always imagined med students/doctors were all pretty much saints helping out others, had great character and integrity, and were just on a whole different league.

It’s silly for me to have expected so much since now the fantasy is gone. Slowly but surely the innocence and naivete are fading away and it’s only the first day. I’m still hopeful however. I’m sure there are those that match that ideals I had. I mean…there has to be. I’m trying my best to hold myself up to that standard, and I’d like if there were others to help me grow as a person rather than keep me at the same level.

Anyway, onto Day 2.

Well, I just moved into my new apartment in preparation for orientation next wednesday. The apartment is awesome. The loneliness? It kinda just hit me as my parents left for home. However, there’s nothing else in this world I’d rather be doing. Finance, politics, business, and desk jobs all bore the hell out of me, and I know it’s not personally fulfilling. Even if it’s higher paying than this doctor business, it would kill my spirit knowing that my career just involves looking out for #1. It’s been said that “it’s lonely at the top.” I wholeheartedly agree. On the big plus side, I got my own bachelor pad. However, it’s not much different than what I’m used to - being an only child and all.

I can’t really complain though. I’m incredibly lucky my med school is about ~1 hour away from home. I’m pretty certain once this all really sets into motion, I won’t have much time to go home. Though I know it’s a very plausible option to consider if I ever get some free time. It’s interesting. My college self would find this transition no problem. However, after moving home, living at home for a year, not finding a job, and being babied at home by my parents (kinda mutual decision here), starting out all on my own seems pretty daunting. On the other hand, I’m relieved that medical school starts when it does. All my close buddies either live far away or got jobs to keep themselves busy. Now that there is really nothing to do outside of home, I’m happy I soon get to take a step towards my dream career. I’ve worked my ass off to get here, and I don’t plan on stopping this train.

Deep down, I’m incredibly hopeful and amped. I knew I wanted to be a doc since I was a kid. More specifically, I wanted to be an internist. Not sure why…I’d assume most kids would want to be a surgeon or something that sounds cooler. Not me though. I liked the cush aspect of outpatient medicine in a clean medical building and getting to make good money. I didn’t give it a second thought until senior year of high school getting to pick colleges and subject concentrations. My closest friend at the time wanted to be a surgeon because it sounded cool and you get to be a badass calling all the shots in the OR and fixing problems with delicate and efficient skills. Oddly enough, that notion inspired me to chose the same career path. (Also, Grey’s Anatomy was all the rage and the fictionalized environment made me want to be a surgeon even more) Afterward, I started working as an EMT in college and then was inspired to be an ER doc. Now that I’m actually here getting to start medical school for real….I don’t know what I want to do. I think it’s a good thing to have an open mind. I still have an inkling toward ER medicine or perhaps gastroenterology. Dunno, I still get 3ish years to pick.

If I had any alcohol, I’d toast myself to a successful journey.